Things I have recently learned about myself

First off I’d like to warn anyone reading that after this point there will be some content you may find difficult to read. I strive to always be honest and truthful and my blogs are a bit like therapy for me so they can sometimes get a bit messy.

This particular post is about my teenage and young adult years and as such, may contain references to childhood molestation, childhood trauma, suicidal ideation, self harm, and dysmorphia. For anyone currently going through these issues or who has gone through these issues in the past, please know that you are valid, you are worthy, you are seen and you are important. If you need or want to talk, I am available and willing to listen.

So I’ve come to realize recently that I was very abusive towards myself in the past. What I mean by this is that I was very much into self sabotage, self harm and seeking things that were simply not good for me and weren’t within my best interests.

From the age of 13 onwards, I began a slow descent into self harm, not the noticeable kind though; I never cut myself, never starved myself, never did anything that would bring people’s attention to it because I didn’t want to be caught and receive the negative attention I knew would follow.

What I did was very subtle, it was easy to hide and easy to perpetuate because of its subtlety, basically the worst kind of secret one could keep. I’d do things like exercise until I literally couldn’t move and would physically ache the next day, go to school on 20-30 degree days in a jacket meant for 60-70 degree days, force myself to wear clothes that felt uncomfortable or didn’t match up with the person I actually was and talk to myself with negativity and hate on the daily.

At the time, I convinced myself it was about getting stronger, I was being bullied in middle school  and had been molested by my father when I was a toddler and I convinced myself that what I was doing would make me stronger so it wouldn’t happen anymore. I tried to have the perfect grades, be the perfect friend, sister and daughter, but the whole time I was hiding my true self, hiding my pain, and internalizing the issues this caused for me.

The fact that I didn’t get into drugs, criminal acts, or become a teen mother is pretty surprising considering all the opportunity was there, especially once I got to high school. I was a latchkey kid with minimal parental supervision who became a people pleaser, especially where men were involved, and who had friends with easy access to drugs and alcohol.

I dated guys who weren’t good for me and hid my past trauma from them. I forced myself to allow them to touch me in ways that I wasn’t comfortable with and still to this day have aversion to. I pushed myself, and allowed myself to be pressured into, sexual acts that I really wasn’t ready for and couldn’t handle.

I sabotaged myself in myriad small ways; procrastinating, purposely thinking myself sick or creating circumstances in which I’d become sick, not sleeping enough or sleeping too much, eating bland or subpar food, exacerbating small physical discomforts and not doing anything to make myself comfortable or alerting others to my distress, taking on other people’s problems when I couldn’t really handle my own. I wanted to die so much that I had plans and backup plans. I truly thought my suffering would be over and the world would be a better place without me in it… Win, win. The only things that stopped me were feeling responsible for my younger brother’s wellbeing and literally writing out my will. For awhile, writing out my will was a regular activity that I engaged in at least once a month.

I hated myself and did everything I could to increase my misery because I felt I was weak and deserved to suffer. I alternated between suppressing my femininity and being hyper feminine because I didn’t want to be perceived in the negative way that I perceived females, but I also didn’t want to stand out or be noticed too much for not being enough of a girl. Nothing I was felt right or like I was enough and my period was a monthly reminder of why I hated myself and of the wrongness of my existence.

Even now, I still occasionally struggle with feelings of dysmorphia around my periods and gender confusion because I don’t really want to be male or female but my body forces me to remember that I don’t really have a choice. Regardless of my desire to just be human without the gender classifications many find so important I am reminded monthly that I am biologically female. Sometimes, I can get through it with self care and love in my heart, but sometimes it’s very difficult for me.

Long story short, I have worked very hard to eradicate my self destructive behaviors. I don’t let myself be cold anymore, I try to eat nourishing and tasty foods, I don’t wear things  or do things that make me feel uncomfortable in my own skin, I try to encourage and advocate for others, I seek out opportunities to do good and feel good and I remind myself every day that I am worthy and valid. My road hasn’t always been easy, but I can and will face the future with empathy, self love, and grace.