Thoughts keeping me awake

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about gender identity and sexual orientation and where I actually fit on those spectrums, but I feel like all I find are more questions

If I go along with biology and don’t take any other factors into account in terms of my gender identity, I would call myself female since those are the physical sex characteristics which I possess. The only issue with this is I don’t always feel female. I don’t really think I’d be a good fit as a male either though, so I’m left a bit confused, and since I’m confused, I don’t generally try and explain it to anyone else because I don’t have the right words and I can’t explain what I don’t understand.

I don’t and won’t get mad at people using feminine pronouns with me, but they don’t fit, masculine pronouns don’t always fit either…. Honestly nothing fits and the closest is probably Non-binary.

I wish that I’d been under less pressure/ was under less pressure to be feminine when I was younger, but I don’t have much interest in traditional male roles either. Honestly, I can’t male or female very well at all.

I suck at makeup, can’t high heel, am clumsy, uncomfortable when people around me/I feel/get too emotional, I have no real interest in women’s fashion aside from complaining about the lack of pockets and am generally not a good female.

The male side has its own issues though. I don’t have a whole bunch of upper body strength, am not mechanically inclined (though I can build things), and my feelings are generally a bit too soft.

Basically, I don’t fit either of the historically prescribed roles, but I’m not entirely comfortable choosing a new label either and I don’t like how confused this has me. This is before I even start talking about sexual or romantic orientation.

The easiest, though not most accurate definition for that would be to say that I’m on the demi side of the ace spectrum. I still have sex and sexual urges, but I need to have an intimate connection with my partner, if I don’t, there’s no sexual urges and no sexual interest.

Generally, I am sexually attracted to men, but lately I’ve come to realize that my discomfort with female genitals and my own in particular might have played a big hand in that. I can’t be 100% certain, but there’s a fairly strong possibility. Unfortunately, I think I’ll need to enlist the help of my therapist to finish unpacking this as I’m too much of a coward to do it on my own.

Romantically, I’ll date anyone who catches my interest, male female, trans, genderfluid, androgynous, enby… I’m not picky about what’s under their clothes or how they identify.

If I think they’re attractive and we vibe, I’ll date them, at least until things turn sexual… Then it’s a crapshoot. If my own body awkwardness and discomfort with my genitals doesn’t chase them away, it’s a possibility, but generally sex doesn’t happen all that often with me.

In the past, I used to feel guilty about this, I exclusively dated males and used to feel like I owed them some sort of “consolation prize” when I wasn’t interested in sex… In the beginning, this was part of what brought me to kink. I wanted something I could do with my partners that would foster intimacy but wasn’t sex.

I don’t feel the same way now, but it’s been a long journey in getting here and admitting to all of this and I still have a long way to go.

Hopefully some day I will get this all figured out, it would be nice to gain more comfort with my own genitals and thus other female presenting genitals, especially since I have a feeling that only my discomfort is standing in my way.