So I’m laying here in bed, looking forward to a good day with my boy. It’s been lovely having him here. My cat and I both adore him, she even climbs into his lap when he’s on the computer, which she never did with T. I’m so happy with him here, but right now my brain is trying to throw a wrench in things and telling me not to screw this up.
The thing is, I’ve never hidden a thing of myself from him, I make a concentrated effort to always present all of myself, even if it isn’t always the best of myself. I’m realizing this is left over baggage and wondering how I managed to miss dealing with it when I dealt with all the other shit. I’m not sure if I had blinders on or it was just overlooked because I had to be in a relationship to see it, either way I guess I’d better unpack these bags and deal with it.
The long and short of it is that my relationship with T did a lot of damage to me. It didn’t quite leave me a train wreck, but pretty damn close. It screwed up my finances, my ability to relate to others, my ability to relate to myself and my confidence in myself as a top. I’m self conscious about playing with others now and I’m nervous about topping again. Stupid shit like being considered too vanilla or too nice or possibly going too far the other way and being considered too edge. I don’t want to seem too needy and I want to play again, but my Fear of Fucking Things Up is getting in my way. Any advice on slaying this particular dragon would be most helpful.
Switchtastic 