Undone

And I wonder, has anyone ever taken their time with you? Not rushed you or allowed you to rush them? Slowed everything down so much that time stopped for you? Showed you the galaxies and universes that exist within yourself? Separated you back into atoms and worshipped each one with the fervent admiration of a plant following the sun? Has anyone ever made you truly come undone?

Things I have recently learned about myself

First off I’d like to warn anyone reading that after this point there will be some content you may find difficult to read. I strive to always be honest and truthful and my blogs are a bit like therapy for me so they can sometimes get a bit messy.

This particular post is about my teenage and young adult years and as such, may contain references to childhood molestation, childhood trauma, suicidal ideation, self harm, and dysmorphia. For anyone currently going through these issues or who has gone through these issues in the past, please know that you are valid, you are worthy, you are seen and you are important. If you need or want to talk, I am available and willing to listen.

So I’ve come to realize recently that I was very abusive towards myself in the past. What I mean by this is that I was very much into self sabotage, self harm and seeking things that were simply not good for me and weren’t within my best interests.

From the age of 13 onwards, I began a slow descent into self harm, not the noticeable kind though; I never cut myself, never starved myself, never did anything that would bring people’s attention to it because I didn’t want to be caught and receive the negative attention I knew would follow.

What I did was very subtle, it was easy to hide and easy to perpetuate because of its subtlety, basically the worst kind of secret one could keep. I’d do things like exercise until I literally couldn’t move and would physically ache the next day, go to school on 20-30 degree days in a jacket meant for 60-70 degree days, force myself to wear clothes that felt uncomfortable or didn’t match up with the person I actually was and talk to myself with negativity and hate on the daily.

At the time, I convinced myself it was about getting stronger, I was being bullied in middle school  and had been molested by my father when I was a toddler and I convinced myself that what I was doing would make me stronger so it wouldn’t happen anymore. I tried to have the perfect grades, be the perfect friend, sister and daughter, but the whole time I was hiding my true self, hiding my pain, and internalizing the issues this caused for me.

The fact that I didn’t get into drugs, criminal acts, or become a teen mother is pretty surprising considering all the opportunity was there, especially once I got to high school. I was a latchkey kid with minimal parental supervision who became a people pleaser, especially where men were involved, and who had friends with easy access to drugs and alcohol.

I dated guys who weren’t good for me and hid my past trauma from them. I forced myself to allow them to touch me in ways that I wasn’t comfortable with and still to this day have aversion to. I pushed myself, and allowed myself to be pressured into, sexual acts that I really wasn’t ready for and couldn’t handle.

I sabotaged myself in myriad small ways; procrastinating, purposely thinking myself sick or creating circumstances in which I’d become sick, not sleeping enough or sleeping too much, eating bland or subpar food, exacerbating small physical discomforts and not doing anything to make myself comfortable or alerting others to my distress, taking on other people’s problems when I couldn’t really handle my own. I wanted to die so much that I had plans and backup plans. I truly thought my suffering would be over and the world would be a better place without me in it… Win, win. The only things that stopped me were feeling responsible for my younger brother’s wellbeing and literally writing out my will. For awhile, writing out my will was a regular activity that I engaged in at least once a month.

I hated myself and did everything I could to increase my misery because I felt I was weak and deserved to suffer. I alternated between suppressing my femininity and being hyper feminine because I didn’t want to be perceived in the negative way that I perceived females, but I also didn’t want to stand out or be noticed too much for not being enough of a girl. Nothing I was felt right or like I was enough and my period was a monthly reminder of why I hated myself and of the wrongness of my existence.

Even now, I still occasionally struggle with feelings of dysmorphia around my periods and gender confusion because I don’t really want to be male or female but my body forces me to remember that I don’t really have a choice. Regardless of my desire to just be human without the gender classifications many find so important I am reminded monthly that I am biologically female. Sometimes, I can get through it with self care and love in my heart, but sometimes it’s very difficult for me.

Long story short, I have worked very hard to eradicate my self destructive behaviors. I don’t let myself be cold anymore, I try to eat nourishing and tasty foods, I don’t wear things  or do things that make me feel uncomfortable in my own skin, I try to encourage and advocate for others, I seek out opportunities to do good and feel good and I remind myself every day that I am worthy and valid. My road hasn’t always been easy, but I can and will face the future with empathy, self love, and grace.

The cake is poisoned, put it down

Sometimes I think I’d flee the planet if I could, but nowhere seems far enough or serene enough. As for what I’m fleeing, I’m not 100% sure. Perhaps it’s my perceived unfairness of the world at large or my general exhaustion from the meaningless drama that seems to pervade into every facet of life on Earth. Regardless, a rather large part of me wants to be anywhere but here.

Seriously though, it’s enough to wear down even the most exuberant of people. Bright and starry eyed with promise, but soon disillusioned by reality. All ready to “yeet” themselves out of the atmosphere rather than continue on with the daily grind that is far from what any of us were promised.

I’m not saying that any one generation deserves or is entitled to more than another, but as a Millennial, one of the last few latchkey kids, and a denizen of the land of grunge, I feel I’m uniquely qualified to say we’ve been collectively shit upon from Generation X on up to the current generations. I feel like each generation has been promised more, but received less, even while more has been expected of them.

I feel this is magnified for those who have grown up disadvantaged, regardless of the cause of those disadvantages. Someone once used an analogy of being on hard mode, this is still correct, but even easy mode is harder than it used to be. A person now could have a full time job and still have to live in their car, something that wasn’t even a possible reality for people growing up and coming of age in previous generations. The disparity between the rich and poor has grown so much, even in my lifetime, that I feel sick to my stomach when I think of it.

All the money and resources hoarded aside or trashed instead of being reconfigured to support and help humanity and the planet. All the wealth kept aside instead of shared more equitably with the people breaking their backs to help supply it. Wealthy people pulling a “Let them eat cake” ala Marie Antoinette, but instead of bringing out the guillotines and “storming the Bastille” everyone is sitting around twiddling their thumbs and seemingly agreeing with classist, racist, homophobic, sexist and divisive behaviors that keep us from helping our fellows and liberating ourselves from the bullshit reel.

I’m tired of settling and seeing others do the same. I’m tired of hearing people slur at each other and say ugly things just because they don’t look like you or love like you. Seriously, shut the fuck up and be kind to each other. If this bullshit virus has taught us anything, it should be that life is too short to be so shitty to each other. Life is too short and precious to be stomping other people down just because they’re different than you, we all have life, we all occupy this planet and now, more than ever, is the time to stop being a bunch of dicks and cunts, start being better to each other, and maybe also refuse to let the rich keep shitting on us and taking advantage of us. Start loving each other and stop letting pettiness and hate distract us from who the real monsters are.

There is a serious problem happening here and it’s time we stop being selfish and hateful and work together to solve it. The “cake” we’re being placated with is poison, the “gifts” we’re receiving are shackles, we’ve been sleeping for awhile now, but the dream has become a nightmare and it’s time for us to wake up, before it’s too late.

Thoughts keeping me awake

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about gender identity and sexual orientation and where I actually fit on those spectrums, but I feel like all I find are more questions

If I go along with biology and don’t take any other factors into account in terms of my gender identity, I would call myself female since those are the physical sex characteristics which I possess. The only issue with this is I don’t always feel female. I don’t really think I’d be a good fit as a male either though, so I’m left a bit confused, and since I’m confused, I don’t generally try and explain it to anyone else because I don’t have the right words and I can’t explain what I don’t understand.

I don’t and won’t get mad at people using feminine pronouns with me, but they don’t fit, masculine pronouns don’t always fit either…. Honestly nothing fits and the closest is probably Non-binary.

I wish that I’d been under less pressure/ was under less pressure to be feminine when I was younger, but I don’t have much interest in traditional male roles either. Honestly, I can’t male or female very well at all.

I suck at makeup, can’t high heel, am clumsy, uncomfortable when people around me/I feel/get too emotional, I have no real interest in women’s fashion aside from complaining about the lack of pockets and am generally not a good female.

The male side has its own issues though. I don’t have a whole bunch of upper body strength, am not mechanically inclined (though I can build things), and my feelings are generally a bit too soft.

Basically, I don’t fit either of the historically prescribed roles, but I’m not entirely comfortable choosing a new label either and I don’t like how confused this has me. This is before I even start talking about sexual or romantic orientation.

The easiest, though not most accurate definition for that would be to say that I’m on the demi side of the ace spectrum. I still have sex and sexual urges, but I need to have an intimate connection with my partner, if I don’t, there’s no sexual urges and no sexual interest.

Generally, I am sexually attracted to men, but lately I’ve come to realize that my discomfort with female genitals and my own in particular might have played a big hand in that. I can’t be 100% certain, but there’s a fairly strong possibility. Unfortunately, I think I’ll need to enlist the help of my therapist to finish unpacking this as I’m too much of a coward to do it on my own.

Romantically, I’ll date anyone who catches my interest, male female, trans, genderfluid, androgynous, enby… I’m not picky about what’s under their clothes or how they identify.

If I think they’re attractive and we vibe, I’ll date them, at least until things turn sexual… Then it’s a crapshoot. If my own body awkwardness and discomfort with my genitals doesn’t chase them away, it’s a possibility, but generally sex doesn’t happen all that often with me.

In the past, I used to feel guilty about this, I exclusively dated males and used to feel like I owed them some sort of “consolation prize” when I wasn’t interested in sex… In the beginning, this was part of what brought me to kink. I wanted something I could do with my partners that would foster intimacy but wasn’t sex.

I don’t feel the same way now, but it’s been a long journey in getting here and admitting to all of this and I still have a long way to go.

Hopefully some day I will get this all figured out, it would be nice to gain more comfort with my own genitals and thus other female presenting genitals, especially since I have a feeling that only my discomfort is standing in my way.

Systems Error

I’ve noticed some malfunctions are beginning to crop up in my key operations programming. It’s only little things, but they’re decidedly not right and it’s throwing me off. I’m not looking for diagnosis or sympathy so much as trying to paint a clearer picture for myself and for you as to what I mean when I say things are malfunctioning.

It’s odd because all the issues started out small or as things I could explain away due to other changes in my life, but there’s either been way too many changes to stabilize or something is not quite right.

I have lost 1 1/2 pant sizes without dieting or exercising more than my normal levels at a time when my metabolism is supposed to be slowing down (early 30s), the length of time between my periods has shortened from around 26 days to around 22 days within this year, I cramp a lot ( when I ovulate, during my period and sometimes the day after), some mornings I wake up and feel sore (like 3 rounds with Rhonda Rousey),run down (like the flu on steroids but without the nausea) and tired(could sleep for 1000 years)- it’s usually the day after I had a super busy day, but not always. Sometimes I breathe fine and others I can’t get enough air, my appetite has shrunk a lot – I couldn’t finish my ice cream yesterday (double scoop- usually no prob) and today I ate a taco salad but haven’t been hungry for anything else, I’ve had some trouble hearing people lately- especially if they Mumble, slur or speak really softly (add background noise or too heavy of an accent and forget it), even with my glasses my vision is not quite in focus- like looking through a film, I’ve misjudged doorframe clearances and ran aground on a few lately, I have pretty much zero energy outside of completing the bare essential tasks necessary for keeping myself alive and sheltered from the elements (sometimes even that’s a stretch- I don’t cook much recently, the last time was almost 2 weeks ago and I still haven’t emptied the dishwasher from it), I have an occasional cough I can’t get rid of, sinus headaches every few days (I do take allergy meds), insomnia and early waking (can’t fall asleep until 12am-1AM, wake up at 530-630am even on days off), when I do fall asleep- it’s sudden and deep (sometimes I fall asleep still wearing my work clothes with all the lights on), I have an itchy/twitchy sensation in my arms and legs sometimes when I’m trying to go to bed (it feels like if I don’t scratch, twitch, flail, or otherwise stimulate the limb I’ll literally go crazy- in the past, I left gouges in my skin trying to end the discomfort).

I have lived with all these things intermittently for at least a few months, some of them far longer and created many plausible excuses for them in my head.

Again, I’m not looking for advice or sympathy, just trying to paint a picture as to why I feel like something isn’t right.

Dreams on hold

This week has been a bit of a shit show. On Thursday, my school told us all they are closing their doors as of June 9th. My graduation was not slated to take place until August. The school gave us three options:

1. An accelerated program where we would need to commit to being in class 5 days/week from 8AM to 10PM and then do double clinic shifts to be able to make up all the time. This option is impossible for me and pretty much every person who is financially responsible but has no savings…

2. Transfer to another school. There are 2 schools we could transfer to, but they didn’t give us much info about either one so we’re left to figure it out on our own.

3. Drop out and get no credits, but owe no money.

They gave us until the 19th of April to make a decision and handed us a document they wanted us to sign.

Essentially, they left I and my classmates high and dry so we’ve all been running around trying to figure out what’s actually going on so we can make an informed decision. Since then my class has reached out to both schools, the commission for secondary education, administration in hopes of an update. None of us want to sign the document and the commission for secondary education has advised us not to.

All of this has happened because of a merger that was discussed and entered into last year, which finalized at the end of March.

I’m currently a bit angry over the situation and feeling like the rug has been ripped out from beneath my feet. I’ll be ok, but I hate the uncertainty and the waiting.

To top the above bullshit off, I managed to scrape and dent the company van the day after I got the news and my vibrator broke so the motor doesn’t work anymore… The lights turn on, but no one cums… 🙁

Thankfully, I’ve been going to therapy this year and working on myself a lot while I’ve been getting my education so I am in a much better headspace than I would be otherwise. I’m not sure I’d have handled this as well a year ago.

Tired

My brain keeps circling like a dog chasing it’s tail

I can’t get over it, and by it, I mean myself

A little disjointed tonight, in spite of the joint I can’t smoke

It’s always worth it though, don’t give up on hope

What have I got that belongs to no one else?

On consideration, nothing, not even myself

Words and thoughts regurgitated

Everything reinvented, reconstructed, recycled

Past loves, past lives, past lows, past highs and a future that belongs to someone else

I am an old soul with a new body and a tired mind

Drifting along in the present and trying to remain kind

Not awakened, but not asleep, no ears to listen, no voice to speak

Noodle Arms, Insomnia and Other Period Problems

As I lie here writing this, I am also menstruating, that’s a nice way of saying that everything south of my navel is cramping (including my feet) and I’m desperately trying not to make a bloody mess all over the bed.

Today is a heavy flow day for me and things are a bit awkward. I’m only using a pad right now because my flow is heavy enough that I would bleed through the tampon within an hour or a clot would clog it and force me to change it anyway.

I have some fairly bad PTSD from being molested as a child and I have a narrow vagina so tampons are somewhat problematic. I can use the regular size ones as long as I get the kind with the plastic applicator, but I can’t use Supers or cardboard applicators because they cause me discomfort. Too many tampon changes can also cause me discomfort (please read the word discomfort as an intensely unpleasant pinching sensation in my nethers that takes 30 minutes to an hour to dissipate).

Most of the time I buy the ultrathin overnight pads and it’s no big deal, but I let someone else grab them and they got the regular ultrathins instead, since pads and tampons are a bit expensive I’m using them up to avoid wasting the money. That’s one thing no one ever mentions about menstruation-the cost.

Now that I’ve painted a picture of the present, allow me to take you back to the past and explain a few things, I promise I’ll try to keep it funny.

The best place to start is always at the beginning, and the beginning of my period is usually fairly predictable for me. I have a fantastic early warning system, better than NOAA’s by a long shot.

I know my flow is coming about 10 days out, not because I have an app for that, though I do, but because I have out of this world PMS. I don’t generally get a ton of mood swings, usually I magically get a cold out of nowhere, my breasts get tender, I get motion sick more easily, am more sensitive to bright lights and cold and I get food cravings.

I crave proteins and carbohydrates like mad- one day I ate a whole medium philly cheesesteak pizza and was still starving. I could go to a buffet and pile my plate with meats, potatoes, pasta and dark green veggies like broccoli, spinach and kale- even get thirds and still not be satisfied… Pre-period hunger is no joke.

With all those portents of impending doom, it’s hard for my period to start without me being aware, especially since I start getting cramps a day or two ahead of time. Seriously, I’ve worn pads to bed just in case to make sure I don’t wake up to a bloody bed. Usually though, I’m lucky and I happen to be well prepared.

As a planner, I find being well prepared is very helpful in dealing with my period. I keep midol, pads and tampons in 3 different locations: my bathroom, my car, and my purse. That way, I almost always have what I need available to me. When I start getting the first symptoms of PMS, I check my supplies and purchase more if I need them. I also re-stock my purse and my car.

So, when my period actually starts, I usually have insomnia for the first 2 nights. On nights I have to work the next day, I usually drug myself to sleep using either edibles or an OTC sleep aid. The following 2 days, I’m usually really groggy and have trouble staying awake. I usually also have no appetite so I pretty much live on water, coffee and tea with a few light proteins thrown in.

During my period my body pretty much attacks itself, my balance is really bad, my proprioception is terrible and my strength is at about half. I have a very physical job so this is a massive inconvenience for me. I have to work around my physical limitations and my brain is foggy from the disturbed sleep/ eating patterns so things are 10 times more difficult and more frustrating.

I’m currently going to school for massage therapy, which presents its own period related problems. Part of the school experience is giving as well as receiving bodywork.

The biggest issues I face are avoiding bleeding on the massage table, having to keep my underwear on during full body sessions (which limits the work that can be done on me somewhat), and possible odor issues. I solve the bleeding issue by putting in a tampon and putting a fresh pad on before getting bodywork done. It minimizes the possibility of leakage and lessens the odors. I also make sure my partner for class is aware so they will drape me correctly and I use dark colored sheets to help mask any bleeding that may occur.

In general, despite having clots the size of a quarter, colossal cramps and super long-lived PMS, I cope fairly well. I feel a lot of it is due to having good strategies in place.

I bought a showerhead with a hose attachment, which makes cleaning myself easier, and I usually shave my bikini line and trim the rest a day before my period starts.

I always prep my fresh underwear with a pad before I get in the shower and I get a tampon ready beforehand if I’m using tampons that day, this way I can dry off while standing in the shower and avoid blood on my floors and carpets. I don’t mind washing a towel… they bleach and it’s far easier than a rug.

When I travel to others or stay the night outside of my apartment, I always take a ziploc with me to use as a receptacle for used pads/tampons it keeps the odor controlled until I can discreetly dispose of them.

I also keep edibles, chocolate and a hot water bottle on hand to combat the worst as much as I can. There are also disposable menstrual heating pads that work with your body heat and act like a hot water bottle for up to 8 hours. They’re a bit expensive, but totally worth it when I need to get through the work day, can’t take edibles and midol isn’t enough.

Sometimes the best relief is simply sitting on the toilet and letting the clots flow out though… or soaking in the tub. Through it all, I’m always trying to make jokes or sharing shark week memes because humor makes the situation more bearable.

It’s not everyone’s situation, but this is the reality for me and the side you don’t see.

#PeriodProblems

#MenstruationMatters

<a href="https://menstruationmatters.atosubbee.com/" rel="nofollow" title="Go to Menstruation Matters" target="_blank"><img src="https://menstruationmatters.atosubbee.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/badge-menstruation-matters.png" alt="Menstruation Matters" style="border:none; max-width:100%;" /></a>

Dealing with the Harvey Weinsteins

There was a question posed on Twitter that a bunch of people have responded to asking “Who was your first Harvey Weinstein?” I almost zipped by the question, because I live under a rock and didn’t know who Harvey Weinstein was, but then I clicked the link and I read the thread.

When I first started reading it, my initial thought was that I was lucky, nothing like that had happened to me. Then I thought about it a little more and realized that it had happened, I had only glossed over the incidents and forgotten about them.

The first of the Harvey Weinsteins was my father. I was quite small and I am happy to only remember his hands, one over my mouth and the other in my panties, the scent of beer on his breath as he told me to keep quiet in the twilight of my bedroom. I don’t know how often it happened, but I’m certain it was more than once.

The second of the Weinsteins was my brother. He was younger than me, but he knew I didn’t like being touched, especially by males and he would forcefully hug me and refuse to let me go. If I tried to physically get him off of me, he would whine to my mother that I was hurting him. This went on until I talked to my mom about it and told her exactly what he was doing, after that, he stopped.

The third was a boyfriend of my mother’s, he would try to give me a massage all the time. I was 12, my mom did not keep him long.

The fourth was my first high school boyfriend, he was 2 years ahead of me in school. In public he was sweet, but he’d show up to my house in the evenings and try to push me into things I wasn’t ready for, making me feel like a heel when I refused. I finally broke up with him after he fingered me against my wishes and I froze, unable to make him stop because my body wouldn’t respond.

When I was in high school, a man followed me from the bus station to my school trying to persuade me to get in his car with him, he even offered me money. I told him no and that I would call police before he sped off. I told the campus police about him and gave them a description of him and his vehicle. I got rid of the clothes I was wearing that day.

I had a stalker during my Junior year in high school, he would insist that I was showing off and acting sexy for him. It got to the point where I wouldn’t get off the bus at my stop if he was still on it because I was afraid for him to find out where I lived. I would always sit near the bus driver and try to have a friend next to me so he couldn’t sit close to me. If I wasn’t able to block him from sitting next to me, he would sit next to me and box me in, taking up my space so I couldn’t evade him. He didn’t touch me, but he said awful things to me and about me all the time and he made me very physically uncomfortable. My friends would give me rides home when they could, but sometimes I missed the bus on purpose and walked to avoid him. Finally, my mom rode the bus with me and told him off, a few months later I found out he committed suicide and I was relieved, though I felt guilty about my relief.

The last in my memory was at the community college when I was 21. He was in his 50s and was flirty with me and other younger girls, kept offering massages, rides, dinner, etc. I took a ride from him once because I was ill and needed the urgent care, he started acting creepy and I got out and called a cab. I avoided him from then on and warned others about him.

I’ve blocked out any other experiences at the moment and can’t remember them, but the above is an example about how one incident can leave scars for a lifetime even if you do your best to move past it. It will always be there, in the way you deal with strangers, in the choice of who to trust or distrust, in handling conflict, compliments, and uncomfortable situations.

I consider myself lucky, for the most part, I am not bothered by creepy men anymore and I don’t generally get harassed, groped or otherwise disrespected as I know a lot of others do. I’ve had some troubles but for the most part, I am fairly stable and I generally feel safe on a day to day basis.

Don’t screw this up

So I’m laying here in bed,  looking forward to a good day with my boy. It’s been lovely having him here. My cat and I both adore him, she even climbs into his lap when he’s on the computer, which she never did with T. I’m so happy with him here,  but right now my brain is trying to throw a wrench in things and telling me not to screw this up. 

The thing is,  I’ve never hidden a thing of myself from him,  I make a concentrated effort to always present all of myself,  even if it isn’t always the best of myself. I’m realizing this is left over baggage and wondering how I managed to miss dealing with it when I dealt with all the other shit. I’m not sure if I had blinders on or it was just overlooked because I had to be in a relationship to see it, either way I guess I’d better unpack these bags and deal with it. 

The long and short of it is that my relationship with T did a lot of damage to me. It didn’t quite leave me a train wreck,  but pretty damn close.  It screwed up my finances, my ability to relate to others,  my ability to relate to myself and my confidence in myself as a top.  I’m self conscious about playing with others now and I’m nervous about topping again.  Stupid shit like being considered too vanilla or too nice or possibly going too far the other way and being considered too edge.  I don’t want to seem too needy and I want to play again,  but my Fear of Fucking Things Up is getting in my way. Any advice on slaying this particular dragon would be most helpful.